BUCK PAL, London — Oh, for the love of god Camilla, should I do one other considered one of these dreary issues?
What do you imply we’re “rolling”? I believe I’d be capable to inform if I used to be making some depressing sounding off-the-cuff comment stay on tv, thanks very a lot! Proper, right here goes…
Christmas! Chrimble! Xmas! The massive Deccy 2-5! However what even is it?
It’s a time for household, obvz. The considerate present given, the type phrase mentioned, the satisfactory meal shared. On at the present time above all days, we bear in mind and provides due to these whose immense sacrifices have made our personal happiness potential.
For some, such gratitude is proven by way of much less conventional means.
Family members might select to sulk in America like large posh toddlers. They could select to indicate their household is a bunch of racist dinosaurs on Oprah.
They could even insert the phrase “frostbitten penis” right into a frankly over-written autobiography most individuals didn’t ever hassle to complete.
Above all, Christmas is a time to forgive and overlook how one upstart little avocado-munching millennial who completely wants placing in his place overshadowed all of the correctly necessary stuff you’ve been doing like, each day this yr with out a lot as a thanks. Whatevz. “You do you, babe,” as my expensive, late mom was oft heard to comment.
Past the straightforward joys of household, on Christmas Day we discover energy in one thing larger than ourselves: reflecting as we do on the sense of responsibility to the nation that drives our clever leaders.
I stay, on at the present time as on all days, above the political fray, unreadable and sphinx-like, an neutral custodian of the right, unwritten structure that governs life on these truthful isles.
However let me inform you man, that Rishi man. Wow. Significantly? Pissing off the Greeks over the Parthenon Marbles? Sending asylum seekers to Rwanda? Significantly dude. Not cool. I imply we’re not speaking Liz Truss ranges of dangerous right here, however I’m now truly wanting ahead to speaking to Keir Starmer each week, which accurately no person has ever thought.
Oh yeah and turning up for all of eight minutes at COP28? Drilling for brand spanking new oil and gasoline? Not like I’ve been banging on about this surroundings stuff for ooh, I don’t know, 50 years is it? No biggie mate, I’m simply the literal king. Don’t sweat it.
Anyhow, I digress, albeit in an neutral and inscrutable manner, an unreadable bauble on the Christmas tree of state. I desire to make my political interventions by way of refined gestures, like this fetching ‘Vote Labour instantly’ Christmas jumper I put on inscrutably earlier than you at this time.
Past our shores, we predict at Christmas time of these much less lucky than ourselves.
In america, so completely positive their little “revolution” towards unaccountable wealthy folks was a very good thought, they collect at this time round a heat Reality Social to listen to conventional festive tales. “The very weak and ineffective Birdbrain;” “Sleepy Joe’s poor work ethic;” and, the time honored traditional, the “degenerate psychopath that truely [sic] hates the USA!”
Nonetheless feeling good about your little “battle of independence,” lads? Our door is all the time open, that’s all I’m saying! Merry Chrimbo!
In years passed by, my expensive mama would shut her Christmas reflections by remarking upon the peculiar acts of kindness, braveness and fortitude she had not too long ago drawn energy from. As your king, I’m after all no completely different, and actually I’m simply nearly as good at this human curiosity stuff, if not quite a bit higher.
And so in 2023, I’ve been significantly moved and impressed by the tireless efforts of [Camz can you get ChatGPT on this bit before we send, whack in something about the Olympics maybe. Did that happen this year? Was the Dogfighting World Cup a thing? It sounds like a thing oiks would like. If not just make some stuff up but PLEASE double check before we broadcast this time, yeah?]
As I attain this, my contractually obliged phrase rely, I depart you all with one parting thought, handed down from maybe our best residing poet, Mariah Carey.
“I simply need you for my very own /
Greater than you possibly can ever know /
Make my want come true /
All I would like for Christmas is you /
Peace out, homies.
Script obtained by Matt Honeycombe-Foster.