Thursday, June 13, 2024

Naughty or good? How Santa decides which politicians get Christmas items – POLITICO

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Voiced by synthetic intelligence.

Guess who’s again?

Sure, it’s that point of 12 months once more. Don’t get me fallacious, I really like Christmas — however this job will get more durable because the years go by: lengthy hours, no breaks and the pay is horrible (milk and cookies! Who will get paid in meals nowadays?). 

However somebody’s gotta do it — these presents gained’t magically ship themselves on Christmas Eve!

And it’s not simply youngsters who get items, the world’s politicians do too — not less than those I deem to have been good over the earlier 12 months.

Talking of politicians, I’ve stored an in depth eye on the COP28 negotiations in Dubai, as (between you and me) I’m fairly grateful for local weather change. Do you might have any concept how chilly it will get up there within the sky in December as I fly round in my sleigh? The reindeer maintain threatening to go on strike if I don’t set up some sort of heating system. No less than now, the night time winter winds are a bit hotter.

I do know the children are all up in arms in regards to the planet warming, however I’m an outdated man and I’ve my opinions #sorrynotsorry. (Did I do this proper? Mrs. Claus taught me about hashtags, so I believed I’d attempt utilizing them.)

Proper — now it’s time to undergo my checklist of leaders and see in the event that they deserve a present for Christmas. I don’t test the checklist twice, by the way in which, that’s simply what the tune says.

Up first is a simple choice …. Vladimir from Russia.

That’s a no-fly zone if I’ve ever seen one. And never as a result of I’m nervous about missiles — human expertise can’t detect me — it’s that the roofs in Pink Sq. have all the time been too pointy for me. I’m not a fan of wars both, they simply don’t seem to be a good suggestion. After which there’s the entire Yeygeny Prigozhin enterprise, very messy.

So no presents for Vladimir this Christmas — both from me or my Russian cousin, Ded Moroz. Like final Christmas and the one earlier than that.

Subsequent on the checklist is Volodymyr. Stunned he didn’t ask for a brand new sweater — however truly his checklist merely asks for night time’s sleep. You and me each, pal! You’re on the good checklist.

Subsequent is Olaf from Germany. I do know a snowman by that title, so I assume you possibly can say I’ve a comfortable spot for Olaf, and that’s most likely why he makes it onto the good checklist.

Olaf Scholz made it onto Santa’s good checklist | Michele Tantussi/Getty Photographs

So let’s give Olaf what he needs … cash. He actually wants money to repair the huge gap within the German authorities’s funds.

It’s normally round this level within the night that I head south for heat, and Greece is all the time choice.

Kyriakos could make the good checklist, I suppose, as he didn’t actually ask for a lot: just a few outdated marbles again. Appears honest sufficient to me. I gained’t steal them for him although — I’m Santa, not a prison! — so I can solely supply ethical assist.

Let’s see, who’s subsequent? Now, that is an fascinating one. 

Giorgia from Italy requested for a guide. The Italian prime minister needs a duplicate of “Uno, nessuno, centomila” by Luigi Pirandello. That’s examine the concept everybody has a number of personalities. I assume she needs to study extra about how you can current completely different faces to completely different folks — good luck remembering who you actually are after that!

I simply hope she’ll perceive this guide, she appeared a bit confused in regards to the that means of the Tolkien novel she requested for a number of years in the past.

Let’s cross the Alps. Manu’s subsequent.

Cheeky fellow, that French chief. I by no means know the place to place him, is he naughty or good? Powerful one.

And he’s requested for a friendship bracelet, to offer to Viktor in Hungary. He appears to have a liking for unhealthy boys, does Emmanuel. The friendship bracelet he gave to Vladimir in Russia didn’t work out so properly. Good on him for not giving up although.

I’ve obtained to get to Brussels now, to somebody who lives in her workplace. Ursula, I feel she’s referred to as. I’m very unhealthy with names. 

She’s requested for one thing unusual: a stuffed wolf. Not simply any wolf, however a relatively particular Canis lupus often known as GW950m. I feel he’s nonetheless alive, in order that feels a bit unethical. Let’s skip that request.

My last cease in Europe is the UK the place Boris needs a toy bus.

Boris and Rishi need a toy bus for Christmas | Inventive Commons through Wikimedia

I don’t assume those he builds himself are notably good, so maybe he wants a mannequin to study from. However then once more, does he ever observe directions?

Whereas it’s good to see he discovered to ask for forgiveness out loud, that gained’t repair all of the messes he’s made. He’s nonetheless on my naughty checklist — so overlook the bus, mate. Maybe subsequent 12 months.

And guess what Rishi has requested for? Additionally a toy bus.

What are the possibilities? I’m wondering if he wants to review a solution to ship immigrants to different nations by land now that his Rwanda plan is trying unsure.

Phew, that was exhausting. I must look into hiring a helper. Even members of the European Parliament get assistants. And MEPs hardly do any work.

I’m off to the opposite facet of the Atlantic, the place a great deal of random requests have come. Somebody referred to as Donald needs a 12 months’s provide of orange basis as a gift. However I’ll allow you to guess which checklist I’ve put him on.

Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus was talking to POLITICO’s Giulia Poloni.

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